I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
