I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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