I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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