My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
