just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
