I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
