My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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