it hurts more in the daytime
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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