So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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