they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
