hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
