U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize