U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
