if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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