Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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