grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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