Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
