I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
