i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the day after is always just damage control
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
