i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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