You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
