Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
