The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
