I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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