I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
