I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
