Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
