i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
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There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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