i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
