How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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