i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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