Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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