Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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