i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Found your dick twin last night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My ass is underappreciated
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
