no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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