oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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