Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
