oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
