I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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