we have pet lesbian snakes
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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