I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
