Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Houston, we have a squirter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
