remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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