ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
