Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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