Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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