I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
