Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
