a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
