The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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