Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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