I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
