i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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