Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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